"So When Are You Having Kids?" - Guide for Men
Few questions land with as much unearned casualness as "so when are you two having kids?" It's usually asked lightly, at a barbecue, a wedding, over beers, by someone with no idea they're stepping directly onto genuinely painful terrain. Most guidance about this question is written for the woman being asked. This is written specifically for the situations where you're the one fielding it — alone, without your partner in the room, in a men's-only context where the question arrives differently than it does when she's standing next to you.
WHY THIS QUESTION IS DIFFERENT FOR MEN, SPECIFICALLY
When this question comes up among men — at a bachelor party, in a locker room, at a work happy hour — there's often an added layer that doesn't exist when a couple is asked together: a kind of implicit performance expectation, a sense that the "correct" male response involves either a joking deflection ("working on it, ha") or a confident, forward-looking answer that projects control over a situation you may have zero control over. Neither of those responses may reflect what's actually true, and finding yourself performing a version of confidence you don't feel is its own specific, exhausting experience.
THE SPECTRUM OF RESPONSES, FROM LIGHTEST TO MOST DIRECT
At the lightest end, for acquaintances or contexts where you genuinely don't want to engage further: "Working on it" or "No timeline yet, we'll see" — delivered with a normal, unbothered tone, closes the conversation without inviting follow-up in the vast majority of cases. Most people asking this question aren't looking for a real answer; they're making conversation, and a light, closed response usually satisfies that entirely.
One step further, for people who might push slightly: "It's not really something we're broadcasting right now, but appreciate you asking" — this is direct enough to signal you're not interested in elaborating, without requiring any disclosure of what's actually happening.
For situations where you want to shut down further questions more firmly, particularly with someone who's pushed past a lighter deflection: "That's actually a harder question than you might realize — let's talk about something else." This is direct without being aggressive, and it tends to make even fairly oblivious people recalibrate quickly.
For the rare situation where you actually want to disclose, in the moment, to someone you trust: "Honestly, we've been trying for a while and it hasn't been easy — appreciate you asking, though I don't love talking about the details." This gives real information while still setting a boundary around depth.
READING THE ROOM: MATCHING YOUR RESPONSE TO CONTEXT
A wedding toast conversation with someone you'll see once a year calls for a different response than a recurring work colleague who's likely to ask again, which calls for a different response still than a close friend who probably already suspects something. Part of navigating this well is genuinely assessing, in the moment, how much this person's future behavior matters to you — is this a one-time interaction you can close cleanly, or an ongoing relationship where setting a clearer boundary now saves you from repeated versions of this same conversation.
WHEN IT COMES FROM SOMEONE WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER
Occasionally this question comes from someone who arguably already knows, or should sense, that this is a loaded topic — a close friend who's aware you've been trying for a while, a family member who's heard hints. In these cases, more directness is often warranted, even if it feels uncomfortable in the moment: "I think you know this has been hard for us — I'd rather not get into it right now." This isn't rude. It's an accurate, reasonable boundary, and most people, once they realize they've stepped into something sensitive, will respect it and likely feel a bit embarrassed for having pushed.
THE PHYSICAL AND TONAL DELIVERY MATTERS AS MUCH AS THE WORDS
A flat, low-energy response to this question tends to invite more follow-up, because it can read as an opening rather than a closing. Delivering even a deflecting response with a normal, confident tone — not overly cheerful, just steady — closes the conversational door more effectively than the exact same words said quietly or awkwardly. This is worth practicing, even just once, out loud, before you're in the actual moment and caught off guard.
A SPECIFIC SITUATION WORTH ADDRESSING DIRECTLY: THE GROUP SETTING
If this question comes up in a group — several friends around a table, for instance — and you don't want to answer in front of everyone, a light "let's talk about it later" directed specifically at the person who asked, rather than to the whole group, redirects without making a scene, and most people will pick up on the signal to move on. If someone doesn't pick up on it and keeps pressing in front of others, it's entirely reasonable to be more direct even in a group setting: "I'd rather talk about that one-on-one" is a complete, socially acceptable sentence that ends the group version of the conversation immediately.
WHAT THIS QUESTION REVEALS, BEYOND THE AWKWARDNESS
It's worth acknowledging that fielding this question repeatedly, across different contexts, adds up over the course of a fertility journey in a way that a single instance doesn't capture. If you've found yourself dreading certain social events specifically because you know this question is likely to come up, that dread is valid information, not an overreaction — and it's reasonable to make choices about which events you attend, and how much energy you have for them, based partly on how much of this specific kind of navigation you're up for in any given week.
REFLECT TOGETHER:
Practice one or two of these responses out loud with your partner before your next social event where this question is likely to come up. Having the exact words ready, rehearsed even briefly, makes a real difference in how steady you feel delivering them in the actual moment.